The Reluctant Earth Mother

This started as a thought in the shower and spiraled, remembering how Baby 1 has learnt a new tantruming technique. Previously it’s been standard screaming. Run of the mill, let’s get it out with some stomping and thumping of the floor. Though he did that yesterday and hurt his fist so I had to redirect him onto the mat. But not the scream. This comes with his head thrown back, bright bright red skin and a furious shake to his bottom lip well pulled back from his teeth. The horror movies with angry werewolves no longer cut it. They need to do more research on toddlers and reevaluate. My point here is that he is doing exactly what I want to do frequently.

As I’ve fleshed it out, I realise that there’s this thread of anger running through my experience of motherhood. How angry I am at society for devaluing caring roles so much that the expectation is to just keep calm and carry on like nothing has happened. This comes with so much weight that sometimes it feels like I’m being suffocated by a duvet filled with lead dust. I’m not even sure all of the expectations I’ve internalised are even true, they could just as easily be rules only in my head. Yet I’m finding that many others feel the same.

I have an understanding boss and understanding colleagues yet I’m still there trying to blast through work as if I’m full time. In fact, two of them thought I was! I’ve been part time longer than I was full. I’m convinced that my partner does not care what state the house is in, and my kids certainly don’t, and yet I need to be cleaning the floors every other day just to feel like I’m doing the “right” thing. They’re filthy again less than 5 minutes later.  

I’m getting ready for the comments that I’m still breastfeeding Baby 2 who is well over a year old. I was ready for them months ago. It’s never happened but I’m still angry that it might. That’s my own prejudice but it’s not born from nowhere. As yet, I haven’t found anyone who has and the worst I’ve had was one family member walking out the room as soon as there was any sign that I might whip a boob out. It made me feel like shit but at least there weren’t any derogatory comments. I think I live in a fairly average community where if it was going to happen, it probably would have. The worst was a group of teenagers, one of the lads commented as I was feeding Baby 2 outside the park before I took Baby 1 in and unbelievably, or perhaps believably I don’t know, the rest of the group told him to grow up. 

I think the real anger shouldn’t be directed at society but at our government. I need to do a poll but I would be surprised if, given the right circumstances, most parents would prefer to not put their babies in nursery at 9 months old and instead that funding went to the families to bring up their children in the way they feel is right. Yet they’re busy touting that a 9 month old needs education. The only education they need is to put everything they can find in their mouths. That is not something that needs facilitating by someone on minimum wage keeping an eye on 3 other gremlins determined to choke themselves. For heaven’s sake, they only start to get fun once they hit a year and we’re demanded to go back to work or at least work our notice periods to pay back the pittance they deigned to give us to have the future of our society. God forbid we had to start mat leave early because work and pregnancy doesn’t really mix physically or mentally depending on the situation you’re in. 

I should clarify that I am quite and angry person anyway but here’s my list of things that I’m angry about/at:

• That bullet points are really hard to get in the right place
• My children for not doing exactly what I want them to when I want them to
• My partner for not doing enough or anticipating anything when I don’t bother to communicate
• Their grandparents for selfishly having their own lives and not revolving around us
• That I get annoyed nearly every day
• That I shout at my kids fairly regularly like I’ve never shouted at anyone before
• That I regularly feel like I’m doing this all on my own
• That society values paid work over the unpaid work that keeps the paid workers afloat
• That, as a woman, I’m expected to do everything for everyone
• That there’s an expectation that I’m performing exactly as I did before I had 2 tiny lives completely and utterly dependant on me
• That I regularly question my decision not to put my children into nursery and that only one person outside my family has validated that
• That, though we made choices that meant I could have stayed at home with baby 1, 2 years later, that’s no longer possible and I have to work. Partly debt, partly because it would be really hard to manage month to month without going into more debt without relying on other people 
• That we still need financial help from parents in our mid thirties
• That I know we’re in a good position but it’s still not enough
• That feminism means nothing after having kids. What happened to having choices? 
• That we were told we could have it all and it’s a myth designed to make us feel worse
• That all my confidence has been shaken then lost
• Angry that baby brain seems to be accepted and not that we’ve shifted our priorities and actually there’s a hell of a lot more for our brains to hold and we cannot hold it all
• That I have to bleed every single month for years because my partner doesn’t want any more
• Angry that this is the longest post I’ve written and I’m going to have to cut drastically
• Angry that this is the longest post I’ve written and I’m not surprised
• Angry that I’m pretty sure, I’m one voice out of millions.