The Reluctant Earth Mother

I love that picture in Burglar Bill where the baby is tucked up cosily in the bottom drawer of his chest. There are so many options of where to put baby to sleep yet they really do sleep anywhere. Baby 1 rarely slept where he was supposed, preferring to be on me at all times. Baby 2 will sleep literally anywhere except on me, specifically the sling I relied on so heavily the first time around. 

I bedshare with my youngest. Actually, that journey is coming to an end quite abruptly. My oldest is away for a couple of nights and we thought now is as good a time as any to take the plunge. It’s the end of an era. Most likely the last time I’ll have that experience with my baby. I did the same with my eldest until I got the courage to put him in his own room at 13 months old. (Baby 2 is now several months older and still comes into bed in the middle of the night, how stupefyingly naive!)

The decision to bedshare was the single most important part of child-rearing that has kept me sane. 

In the first week of having Baby 1, we did a cycle of feeding from breast, pump, bottle. It was a brutal effort especially in those first 3 or 4 days at home. My mum got me out of hospital as soon as she possibly could, reassuring the midwives that she would sort out our abysmal feeding efforts. What that meant was a cyclical regime every 3 hours. My calm, collected and very reasonable partner was ready to rip her head off. 

Nearly 3 months down the line and numerous instances of me falling asleep while feeding sat upright only to jerk awake to find Baby 1 had slipped down between us, I gave up on the next-to-me and embraced bedsharing. 2 weeks later, Partner moved next door and only returning once Baby 1 moved out. Baby 2 was more successful in the next-to-me however once he learnt to move, he would just crawl into bed with me anyway. Who doesn’t want a hot waterbottle easily 10 times bigger than you?

The Lullaby Trust found that 9 out of 10 parents co-sleep at some point with their baby; most of the time, that decision is made after baby is born, maybe when reality hits. Their survey was done in 2023, the big take away being that 40% of those parents didn’t know how to do so safely. It was incredibly reassuring that the difference between attitudes of health visitors between my children was changed, they being born either side of 2023. It was like they had embraced it by the time baby 2 was born and instead of talking about it with disapproval, gave helpful, sensible advice. 

Basically, follow the usual sleep advice then keep pillows and quilts away from baby, avoid other children and pets also sharing, mitigate for places they can get trapped and don’t leave them unattended. Advice I followed with Baby 1 but Baby 2 completely ignored as it seemed he was freezing for his entire first year and required more quilt than me. Baby 1 figured out how to climb into bed without me noticing. 

A study was done, though typically I can’t find it, to look at the way mothers slept with a nursing baby. Generally, the natural position is a c-shape around baby with baby at breast level with easy access. My very light sleeper of a father assures me that baby 2 wakes multiple times a night, I am blissfully unaware.